Through the Eyes of a Child

Recently my son had a friend over to hang out and play. He's had play dates with this friend before so she's pretty comfortable around us. I'm the mom of an almost six year old so I'm not really surprised at the things that come out of kids' mouths. Caught off guard? Maybe. Surprised? No. We were getting ready to get in my vehicle when her curiosity got the best of her and she started asking some questions......

G: "Does Ramsay have a dad?"

Me: "Yes he does."

Ramsay: "He's in a big boy time out for making bad choices."

G: "He doesn't live here with you?"

Me: "No, he doesn't."

Me........{insert thought bubble} Oh boy, I wonder where this is going.....

G: "What bad choices did he make?"

Me: "Well, he made choices that weren't good and there are consequences to choices that aren't good and so he has to be in a time out."

G: "But daddy's are good so how did he make bad choices?"

That's when it hit me. These two kids have very different perspectives of daddy's and family. All this sweet girl knows is that daddy's are good and that they are supposed to live with you. Then there's my sweet boy who knows he has a daddy but he doesn't live with us and he is in a time out. Each of them are growing up seeing what they see and that's what their views are of a normal family. 

Being a parent in normal circumstances is a hard job. Add in circumstances beyond your control that affect you and/or your family and it becomes more challenging. The last 16 months have been somewhat of a challenge for me with a court case that was beyond my control. During the entire process all I could think of was what was my son seeing with his eyes? What was his perspective on life and choices being made? What is he seeing with his eyes that he will eventually ask questions about when he's older? I have mama bear instincts just like any other mama out there and I've been in protective mode with him for a few years now, even more so than the average mama bear, because of other people's choices that were affecting him. Their choices forced me to make my choices. 

Late yesterday I got an email that after 16 long months that court case is going to be dismissed. The challenge for me during this process was never about the case itself but about the thousands of dollars in attorney fees that it is costing me. Thousands of dollars which was and is being taken away from the child that the whole case was about. Thousands of dollars that's needed to care for a child. I'm a single mom trying to make ends meet and doing the best that I can. Does my son have any idea of the stress and worry I had (and still have) about all that money? Not that I'm aware of (except for maybe that time I got shingles due to stress). Why is that? Because mama bears protect their cubs. That's what we do. He doesn't know the magnitude of the situation or what all has transpired. He knows that he lives with mommy, with a roof over his head, food in his belly, and lots of love and laughter between us.

When the day comes and he's all grown and he looks back on his childhood, I pray that he says that through his eyes life was great. That through his eyes he saw what all mommy has done and continues to do for him. That through his eyes he has witnessed forgiveness and grace. That through his eyes he saw God's love for everyone.

Dear Ramsay

A letter to my son on the eve of his first day of Kindergarten............

Dear Ramsay:

Where do I begin..............

It's hard for me to believe we are at this moment. As we spent our evening together talking about your big day tomorrow I had so many moments where I caught myself just staring at you and the person you have become in the short 5.83 years of your life. You specifically asked me to make rice krispie treats tonight so that you can pack one for your lunch tomorrow because you are insistent on taking a sack lunch every day. Do you know what I'm going to remember most about those rice krispie treats? I'm going to have the vision of you in the kitchen, with a butter knife, sneaking some rice krispie treats out of the pan because you thought I was still in the bathroom getting your bath ready. The moment I caught you was the very moment I realized that you aren't my precious baby boy any longer. That was hard for this mama to swallow.  

We've been through a lot together, you and I. Someday I'll share with you all the things that I've done to provide for you, protect you, and love you as best I can. You make it easy though. How can I not love you? One thing I've come to realize though is that I've done something right with you. You're such an amazing boy with a big heart, an awesome personality, and you love life. We laugh together A LOT and that's one of my most favorite things about you. You can always make me laugh. 

Tomorrow you start a new chapter of your life. When you wake up you'll no longer be my baby boy. Instead, you'll be a big kid ready for kindergarten and ready to conquer the world. While I'm sad to end one chapter of your life, I'm so excited about this next chapter and for what's ahead of you. You are going to do great things! You've been ready for this next chapter for some time now and it's finally here. 

I love you my sweet Raminator and I can't imagine doing this life without you. You bring me so much joy, happiness, laughter, and so much love. God really has blessed me by allowing me to be your mom. God gave me you. I hope that your first day of kindergarten is as great as you've been hoping it will be. Don't mind me tearing up as I say my good-byes to you on the playground before the bell rings. I'll be fine because I know that you'll be fine. In fact, you'll be great. I love that you'll be starting each and every day with prayer and a bible lesson. God's got this. He'll be with you all day long each and every day and because of that, I don't have to worry or be sad. Make God the center of all that you do and you will do great. 

I love you must plus infinity plus one hundred! 

Love,

Mommy

 

'Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

For when I think I've lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

I Can't Predict The Future, But I Can Prepare For It

It was September 12, 2014, and I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. I was sitting at my desk at work and decided to take a quick look at my personal email account. I knew what was happening that morning and thought by chance I would have an email about the outcome. I also knew that our lives would be affected but I wasn't exactly sure how. I logged in and as the screen changed I saw it there in my inbox. There is was, in bold, a new email with the details I had been waiting for. 

I opened up the message and I read it carefully. That's when the tears started falling. My heart was broken. My heart wasn't broken for myself, it was broken for my son. So many emotions and feelings running through my head. My son had not seen or talk to his father since June 24 and now it was going to be a long time before he would see him again. What was I going to tell him? Do I tell him anything? What if he asks me questions? How would I respond to those questions? 

There wasn't a book out there to help me navigate through this journey. This was uncharted territory for me. All I could do was pray. Pray for God's protection throughout this journey we were on, pray for God to give me wisdom and guidance, but most of all pray for my sweet boy. Prayer is powerful and prayer warriors are important and I am lucky enough to have a group of people that have surrounded us during this time to do just that. They pray. They pray for me, they pray for my son, and I have no doubt that they've prayed for my son's father. That's all I knew to do was pray and ask for prayers.

When my son was 10 months old his father and I decided to no longer live together. Being a single mother never crossed my mind but the months leading up to that decision were full of stress, worry, and a lot of other emotions I never wanted to deal with. I needed something to change. I couldn't continue doing what we were doing and as time went on, being a single mom seemed to work for me. Yes, it was stressful (and still is) but I was dealing with a different kind of stress being a single mom verses living in a toxic household. As I would constantly tell my therapist (yep, I still see her) it's a good stress.

The three years we were apart leading up to that September day were filled with stress, worry, frustration, anger, and again lots of emotions but it all changed that day I got the email. The stress, worry, and all the other emotions went away. Yes, I was heartbroken for my son but for myself.......I was thanking God for peace. For the first time since my son was born I was finally feeling peace and a sense of complete safety for him. As a parent, it's hard to go through situations not feeling your child is completely safe, whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally, but I finally felt it. 

Yesterday we started on a new journey. My son talked to his father on the phone for the first time in two years. There was a lot of preparation that went into that first phone call. Preparation by myself and my son's therapist to make sure he would be safe, both mentally and emotionally. While he's not seen his father in two years or talked to him, he has talked about him. He receives drawings from his father every week and gets so excited when he opens up his Spider-Man drawing from daddy. He knows daddy loves him, but can't be with him right now.

My job as a mother is to love, provide, and protect my child. I've done this from day one. As we prepare for visits with my son's father in the next couple months, these are the things I have to continue to think about. I can't predict the future, but I can prepare for it and that's exactly what I'm trying my very best to do. It's not an easy or ideal journey, but it's our journey. One that my son and I are on together. All we can do is prepare and pray.

We Are Never Alone

I was sitting on my back patio one morning drinking my coffee, working on my bible study, and enjoying God's beauty when all of a sudden I was overcome with a sense of loneliness and I became sad. I was sad that there was no one there to sit and talk to or enjoy the beautiful view with me. I was sad that there wasn't someone inside cooking breakfast that would soon open the back door to give me a plate. I was sad that the little boy fast asleep inside had no idea what a household looks like with both a mommy and daddy inside of it and to be completely honest, I really had no idea what that looked like either since I grew up in a single parent house. That loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks and it took me a good chunk of that morning to stop feeling it.

Here's the truth: we are never alone. God is ALWAYS with us. But me, I have a tendency to forget that. I always think about the physical presence of someone, not the spiritual presence. But God, he is always with us no matter what. Through our highest of highs and our lowest of lows, God is there for us to guide us, protect us, and love us.

I love Lysa TerKeurst and it also seems that her postings are so fitting for whatever is going on in my heart and head at the time. I think sometimes she's literally in my head and posts things that are specifically directed towards me, I really do. I have met her in person before and maybe she planted a micro-chip or something in there to know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling and I didn't know it. 

Her words are never more true. God does want us to know that he is here. He's with you, he's with me, he's with my son, he's with all of us. We are never alone. We are always in God's presence but sometimes we may need those visual reminders to get us back in His presence.

God's Love Is REAL

This past week my son attended vacation bible school and each night when I picked him up he couldn't wait to tell me what he had learned. He would go through whatever hand and arm motions they used when talking about the lesson and it was cute to see him be so passionate about sharing what he learned about God. Before going to bed each night he would reassure me that God loves us no matter what. 

Here's where the story gets interesting........

Wednesday evening Granny picked Ramsay up from school , fed him dinner, and dropped him off at VBS. During a phone conversation with Granny after she dropped him off I learned that he had an issue at school that day. Let me back up a bit and just say that this kid LOVES to swing. He swings all the time when he's at school as they go to the park twice a day, weather permitting of course. He loves swinging so much that I made him a tree swing for our backyard so that he can swing anytime he wants to. He's obsessed with swinging and usually has baby with him as well which means baby gets to swing too. (Note the bungee cord wrapped around baby's neck in order to keep him on the swing.)

During their morning park time Ramsay of course wanted to swing, but there was a problem. There was a girl in the swing he wanted. Instead of being patient and waiting his turn he pushed her out of the swing. Like literally pushed her hard and she fell to the ground. He then hopped in the swing thinking he was just going to swing like nothing happened. Boy was he wrong! A teacher asked him to get off the swing because the girl had it first. When he didn't listen it then took two teachers to get him out of that swing as he gripped the chain hard and wasn't about to let go. They finally got him free, made him apologize to the little girl, put him in a time out, and banned him from swinging for the rest of the day. Now, I know my kid is not perfect by any means but behavior like this is really out of character for him. He was obviously frustrated but didn't chose a wise way to deal with it.

Later that night when he got home from VBS I asked him about his day, knowing what had happened at school (but he didn't know that I knew). He said he had a good day. I question him about that and he said he had a good day except for that 'one thing'. So, I asked him what that one thing was and he said that some girl was in HIS swing and he wanted to swing so he pushed her out. I asked him if that was a good choice and he said no, it wasn't, but he wanted to swing. I'm trying my best to raise a man in my house the best way I know how and I always tell him ladies first........that means opening doors for them, letting the girls go down the slide before him and yes, that also means letting girls swing on a swing before him. Patience my child, patience! We continued on with our conversation about good choices and bad choices and I told him that he needed to apologize to his teachers for his behavior first thing the next morning and he agreed that he would do so (and he did). 

Just when I thought we had talked about the situation and got it taken care of, Ramsay then says "But mommy, God loves me anyways even with that bad choice." Oh boy.........it was as if he was justifying (in his sweet little head) that what he did was bad but God still loved him so it was okay. Well sweet child, you are correct in that God still loves you BUT God wants us all to make good choices.

Every day I continue to learn and grow in my relationship with God and some of the best lessons I have learned have come from that 5 year old of mine. He takes everything so literal and sometimes just doesn't understand that there's a deeper meaning. He teaches me new things every day just like I teach him new things every day. Together we are learning and living a life that focuses on God and his unconditional love for us. God's love IS incredible. God's love IS faithful. God's love IS invincible. God's love IS unconditional. God's love IS REAL!

God's Love Is Faithful

We were in the car yesterday morning on our way to school and work when all of a sudden out of the backseat my sweet boy says to me "Mommy, do you know what I want to be when I grow up? I want to be a daddy." This made me smile and I then asked him how many kids he wanted and he proceeds to tell me he wants ten. "Ten kids? That's a lot" I said to him. His response was priceless, "No mommy, 100 is a lot". In this sweet, tender moment with my 5 1/2 year old my heart was full and happy. I know that he loves babies but never dreamed he would say he wanted to have ten kids!

Moments after that sweet interaction our conversation took a turn that I wasn't prepared for. What came out of his sweet, innocent mouth I was not expecting.

"Mommy, when I become a daddy I'm going to go in a big boy time out."

{Insert my jaw drop here........and my head started spinning as to how I should respond to this.} So, I start asking questions.

"Why do you think you'll go to a big boy time out?"

"Because my daddy is in a big boy time out and that's what daddy's do."

Oh. My. Goodness. My heart was broken in that very moment. As much as I have tried to do my very best at providing for him, loving him, and showing him what a parent does, all his little mind knows is that daddy is not around and that when he's a daddy he's supposed to do the same thing. So I continued our conversation in the hopes that I would say the right words to ease his mind and make him think differently.

"Well honey, why is daddy in a big boy time out?"

"Because he made bad choices."

"Right. He made bad choices. When we make bad choices there are consequences. Mommy's job is to help you make good choices. I'm also pretty certain that daddy would tell you that he wants you to make good choices so that you don't end up in a big boy time out. They aren't any fun and if you were to go there, your ten kids would miss you very much."

"You're right mommy, I think my kids would miss me and I would miss them."

"So let's work together on making good choices. Okay?"

"Okay mommy."

Phew.........made it through that tough conversation.

Here's our truth: his daddy is in a big boy time out for making bad choices. He's been there for two years. That's his daddy's story to share with him when the time comes. It's not my story to share with anyone, not even Ramsay. But his dad's story does intertwine with our stories. That's our truth.

Ramsay is participating in a VBS (vacation bible school) program this week that started Sunday evening. When I went to pick him up Sunday the first thing out of his mouth was "Do you know what we learned mommy? God's love is incredible!" I love his heart for Jesus and his passion for learning more. Last night when I picked him up the first thing out of his mouth again was "Mommy, do you know what we learned? God's love is faithful!" I love his enthusiasm he has at the end of the night when I pick him up. This kid loves learning and especially loves learning about God. All things are possible with God!

This morning as I was getting ready for work Ramsay climbed into my bed to hang out and chat. What he says to me was so wise beyond his years. "Mommy, God's love is faithful. He loves us no matter what, whether we make good choices or bad choices." And there is it. I needed to be reminded of this today. God loves us no matter what, even if we make bad choices. Does he want us to make bad choices? No. Will he love us even if we do? Absolutely!

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all righteousness.

1 John 1:9

Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.

Psalms 36:5

God loves us all. God loves Ramsay. God loves me. God loves Ramsay's dad. God loves you! God loves us all regardless of the choices that we make. God's love is INCREDIBLE. God's loves is FAITHFUL!

All I Want

The weather at the beginning of last week was so beautiful. The temperature was just right making it impossible not to be outside doing something fun every evening after work. We spent one entire evening outside working on building a tree swing and flying kites. It was a perfect night. The temperature was right, the wind was just right, and the attitudes were just right. So much fun was had by the two of us!

I had the realization that night that it won't always be this way. Things aren't always perfect and the world we live in is far from perfect. I won't always be able to spend time with my boy like we did that night and I won't always be able to protect him from the imperfections that are all around us. We are all broken in one way or another and we all show our brokenness in different ways.

Last weekend 50 men and women lost their lives in a senseless tragedy. Our world is not perfect. We are all flawed in ways that others can not see but God can heal us. God can restore us. God can save me and God can save you. Some hearts have become angry and bitter and instead of seeking to heal their hearts through God they take it upon themselves to heal their hearts the way they feel is right, which is at others expense. I'm sad to be raising a child in the world as we know it today but I do my best to teach him God's love and God's way. I also teach him to pray for others in our world that may not know God and who can come to know Him and His love for all of us. I pray for a world of understanding, compassion, respect and love.

Vacation........What's That?

I was driving home from work today and my head was spinning. So many things going on in our lives at the moment and in the next couple months it's going to get even crazier. My boy will be starting kindergarten in August which is going to be a big change for him and although I'm excited for him, it's still a lot for this mama to wrap around her head. How did he get this old? Other changes are happening that well which aren't as exciting as starting kindergarten but I'm doing my best to be ahead of those changes and prepare my boy in any way that I can. While driving home it hit me....we need a vacation. Like a REAL vacation. Not just an overnight trip somewhere for the heck of it and not to my son's favorite theme park of all time (and let's face it, that's not a vacation for me at all but a lot of work).

I have not had a 'real' vacation since September/October of 2009. That was before I even got pregnant! That was the best vacation I ever had. I traveled alone to Colorado and spent a couple days with family but then spent the remainder of my vacation alone. All. By. Myself. I did so many things by myself it was amazing. If I was late somewhere I had no one to blame but myself.

Reality is......no vacation in sight, not a real one anyways. I would love to go to Colorado to see family or to the beach where we can be beach bums all day long. Instead, we'll be doing the same old thing we've been doing which is working and daycare. Sounds exciting doesn't it? Someday..........someday we'll get that real vacation. Someday when I have a partner to share the load with we'll get a lot of things but until then, we'll just dream about a real vacation in our dreams.

'Mommy, it's your gradulation day!'

"Wake up buddy. It's time to get up, we have a busy day ahead of us!" "Mommy, it's your gradulation day!" Cutest thing I've heard him say in a long time........gradulation. He doesn't know it but he took congratulation and graduation and made up his own word, gradulation. I couldn't get enough of him saying that word all day long. He makes me smile.

Yesterday was a day that has been years in the making, literally. It was exactly five years ago to the day that I crossed the stage at my community college graduation and yesterday was the day I crossed the stage and earned my bachelors degree. So crazy that it finally happened, I finally made. I never thought this day would come. So many hurdles, ups & downs, challenges.......you name it. But I made it, I did it, and my boy was there to see me! I had to make sure he could spot me in the crowd of 1,106 graduates at the ceremony so I decorated my cap with something that's very fitting for him right now. I was Spider-Mom!

 Our day started out with a brunch for all the online graduates which ended up being a lot of fun. Even my boy got his own goodie bag filled with crayons and coloring pages. He was excited that he got a gift! After brunch we had a couple hours of down time before the ceremony so we rested of course as we knew the ceremony was going to be long, which it was! I managed to stick it out to the end, even though lots of other graduates left after they walked across the stage. It was a great day, it really was, and I'm very thankful and glad that I decided to walk. After all those years of work, I needed to do it and I wanted my boy to see my do it and know that you can do whatever you put your mind to, not matter how old you are!

Jesus Is There........Do You See Him?

Jesus is in this picture.......do you see him? He's sitting at the table there on the bottom right, next to the lady in blue. He's also sitting at the table in the very middle of the room as well. And wait, there I see him at the far left table as well. Do you see him?

This was lunch on Saturday at a single mom event at my church. The moms spent the morning being loved on with breakfast, hair cuts, massages, facials, make & take items, and a FREE garage sale area or Abundant Blessings as we called it. You should have seen that place. IT.WAS.AWESOME! Do you know what my favorite part about the entire morning was? Okay, I have two favorite parts of the morning. One of my favorite parts was the prayer room. Every single time I walked by that room there were women in there. They were opening their hearts to these complete strangers who were there to pray with them, for them, and over them. It was truly amazing to see! I have goosebumps now just writing about it. It was such an amazing site to see. My other favorite part of the event was this lunch. After all the fun stuff ended the moms got to sit down with one another (and a volunteer table host) to have a delicious lunch and connect with each other. Do you know who showed up that day throughout the morning and again at lunch? Jesus! Man was he ever present in the building that day. I can't even put into words to try and explain how present he was that day. It was spectacular, amazing, glorious, and so much more! I loved every minute of that morning. All the hard work, the physical labor, the planning.......every part of it was more than worth it for Jesus to show up and he did!

Lunch from a different view.

We incorporated coloring place mats on the tables so the moms could sit, relax, and color in between  the fun things they were doing and the moms really seemed to enjoy that!

I loved the way the room looked. Elegant and classy!

Here it is.........the Abundant Blessings area. This picture doesn't even do the room justice. It was packed full of so much stuff!

Centerpieces

Breakfast - which also included a yogurt bar.

Blessing the Blessing Bags

I stood in my kitchen last night looking at these bags and I was overcome with so much emotion. The only thing I knew to do was pray. Pray for each of the mamas that will be receiving one of these on Saturday. Pray for them and their children. Pray for the team of volunteers that will be there to help make this possible. But most of all I prayed that God will meet each and every one of these ladies right where they are when they walk in the door on Saturday morning and that they see Jesus wherever they look and that they feel Jesus with every conversation they have. I pray He is with them.

Saturday has been a long time coming. Close to a year as a matter of fact, for me that is. I've had the privilege of attending a Single Moms' Morning Out event twice in the past four years and God tugged on my heart that very first time about doing something similar through my church and again last year when I attended the same event for a second time. It was time. I knew God was calling me to do this, even after that first initial tug, but timing wasn't always right. Being a single mom, working full time, and going to school part time didn't leave me much time to do anything else.......let alone plan this type of event. And if I'm completely honest I thought God was a little crazy for asking me to do this. I mean really, I love to plan birthday parties for my son, but a big event like this? He must be nuts to think I could pull it off. In reality, it was fear that was holding me back. Fear I would fail, fear the event would fail, and fear that God would be disappointed. Boy, was I ever wrong!

After attending this event last year I finally said YES to God. I knew I would be completing my degree in December which would then allow me time to plan for this. Saturday will be the first Single Moms' Morning Out event at my church and I am beyond excited for it! These ladies are getting a fun morning full of car washes, breakfast, massages, hair cuts, facials, make & take goodies, intentional praying for them, a boutique area where they can shop for free, and a wonderful buffet style lunch that is mom's only where they can connect with other single moms in the community. The event will also provide childcare for the moms while they attend. How amazing is that! The best part is that the entire event is absolutely free for these moms. What a blessing in itself!

As I started preparing for this event I wanted the Blessing Bags (shown above) to be filled with intentional items. Items that were fun, or necessary, or a reminder that they are loved, or something to encourage them along this journey they are on. I'm amazed by what all is inside of them. So many great things and so many wonderful people and businesses willing to donate items for them. I pray that each and every mom attending this event feels the love that each bag holds for them. I know first hand the struggle of being a single mom and I also know that one kind gesture can make a big difference in their lives. More than anything though, I want them to know they are not alone. God is always with them!

Making Memories

Every year at this time I start getting excited. It's one of my favorite times of year and I look forward to it so much. It seems like such an odd time of year to get excited about much, especially if the weather isn't quite spring like. What makes this time of year so darn fun for me? My son's half birthday! Yes, I am THAT mom who celebrates his half birthday every year. It has become such a fun tradition to do with him and he looks forward to it just as much as I do. One of my most favorite things about celebrating this with him is that there is no pressure. No pressure for presents and no pressure for a party. All I simply do is bake him a half birthday cake and we celebrate with his favorite dinner, birthday candles, and cake. That's it. Nothing fancy, nothing super big, just time together making memories.

Tomorrow we are celebrating the big guy's half birthday. He is 5 1/2 years old and this year it's an even bigger milestone as he'll start kindergarten in the fall. I'm not sure where the time has gone but I'm doing my best to enjoy every moment of it. I pray that when he's older and he looks back on his childhood, it's the silly traditions like his half birthdays that he remembers most. Nothing fancy, nothing super big, no expectations......just he and I celebrating a small milestone in his big life in a small way............with a half birthday cake.

Solo and Single Parenting. Yes, There Is A Difference!

I've had this topic on my mind for quite some time and after having a conversation with a friend last week who "gets it", I finally felt God telling me it was times to put into words what I have observed over the past few years......

There isn't just one definition of a single parent, there are many definitions of being a single parent. A single parent can be divorced or they can be widowed. A single parent can be one where the father/mother was never present in the child's life to begin with or left at some point during the child's life. A single parent can even be someone who is married or unmarried but with a spouse, partner, or child's parent in prison. I'm sure there are others that I've not mentioned as well.

Over the years I have heard friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers say at times that they are doing the 'single parent' thing when their spouse or partner is working a lot of hours or traveling out of town. In their world at that moment they are living like a single parent. They are the sole person taking care of the child(ren), the one who has to change all the diapers, the one who has to get up in the middle of the night when someone wets the bed or gets sick, the one who has to be the taxi driver to doctor's appointments, practices, church events, and everything in between. They are doing it all. Those 'single parents' are not single parents though. Chances are they have never been a single parent and in reality, have no idea what it's really like to be a single parent.

Here's what I know about being a single parent and this is from my own experience. Being a single parent means keeping consistency and routine in your child's life all by yourself. Being a single parent means being the sole person in your child's life that they can count on, no matter what. Being a single parent means being the one that's awaken in the middle of the night when your child is vomiting and there's no one else there to help clean up the mess. Being a single parent means making to much money to get any assistance with childcare or food, yet not making enough to make ends meet. Being a single parent means going through endless court battles for child support and visitation. Being a single parent means at times getting little to no child support. Being a single parent can mean getting little to no help from the other parent with caring for the child. Being a single parent means getting no regular breaks if the other parent isn't involved in the child's life by choosing addictions over time with their child. Being a single parent means getting no regular breaks if the other parents choices landed them in a 'time out'. Being a single parent means having to tell your friends no, you can't go to dinner with them because you can't afford a babysitter and dinner. Being a single parent means no accumulation of sick days at work because when your child is sick, you're the one who has to take care of them. Being a single parent means you can't get sick - there's no time for it and no one to take care of your child if you do. Being a single parent means not having the support of a spouse or partner, whether they are home every night or not. 

You see, those 'single parents' I talked about at the beginning really aren't single parents, they are solo parents. Yes, they may live at times "like a single parent" but in reality they are just a solo parent because they are only alone for a period of time. Eventually their spouse/partner comes home. Eventually they get a break from being the only parent around. But no matter what, they always have another person to lean on for support. Someone they can call and talk to even if they are out of town. Someone they can bounce ideas or issues off of. Someone who provides financially, consistently. 

My conversation last week was with a friend who is a stay at home mom and her husband is the provider. He works a lot of hours to make sure his family is taken care of but she works a lot of hours as well as it takes a lot to run a household with 8 kids! It was our conversation where she said to me that yes, there are times that she can feel like a single parent BUT she has her husband, her partner, and she not going through every day by herself. I believe she's the first person that has ever said something like that to me and it just put a smile on my face. I may only have one child verses her eight, but she sees what challenges I have because I am a single parent and don't have a partner sharing in duties. She realizes how blessed she is to have her husband. I pray that one day I am blessed with a Godly husband as well. 

The next time you are inclined to think you are a single parent or say "I'm like a single parent", I hope you think twice about saying it. Be mindful of those parents out there that are truly all alone, raising their child(ren) without a partner or spouse. It's not as easy as some of them make it look and you might be surprised at how lonely a lot of them are behind closed doors. Be kind. Be gentle. Show love.

Fear is a state of mind, not a way of life

A couple of Christmas's ago I got a small padded envelope in the mail from a friend. Inside was a Christmas card as well as some printed pages from the internet and a small jewelry box. Inside the box was a bracelet. Nothing fancy - it wasn't sparkly or blingy - just a silicone bracelet with clear beads attached to one another with a solid white one on one side and a solid black one on the other side. I had never seen a bracelet like it before but thought it was an interesting design and well let's face it, clear, black and white goes with anything so I could wear it with any outfit. The bracelet had a tag on it that said 'lokai' and it dawned on me that the printed pages that were in the package had that same name on it so I picked the pages up and began to read. There's quite a story behind the meaning of the bracelet. Let me briefly explain....

The black and white beads on the bracelet have significant meanings. The black bead holds mud from the Dead Sea which is the lowest point on the earth. Placing the mud inside the bead is a reminder of the lowest point(s) you have faced in life. The purpose of the black bead is to provide hope. The white bead holds water from Mount Everest, the highest point on the earth. Placing the water inside the bead is a reminder of the highest point(s) of your life. The purpose of the white bead is to remind you to stay humble. You can find more of the story about the bracelets here: http://mylokai.com/our-story.

The gift of the bracelet came at a time in my life where I had been experiencing some pretty low lows a few months prior. Things were happening that were out of my control and I had no idea how to fix it or make it remotely better. I was living in fear and a lot of it. Fear of the unknown, fear of emotional, physical, and mental safety of my son, fear of figuring everything out on my own, fear of failure, and I'm sure there were smaller fears that I had as well. Fear was chewing me up, spitting me out, and stomping on me. I was a hot mess. 

I attended a women's retreat in May prior to receiving that bracelet and during the course of that weekend, God showed up and told me to stop. Stop living in fear. He was there to take that burden from me. I was worthy. Worthy to be his child, worthy to call out to him, and worthy of him to take the load that I was trying to carry by myself. He specifically called out to me in 2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline". 

It's been two years since that women's retreat and tonight I'm on a 'high' since just earlier today I returned home from another women's retreat. As I'm thinking about the weekend and processing what God said to me, I'm thinking most about a specific moment last evening during small group time. My leader was focusing on me and what God had spoken to me during my time of solitude and as I was telling her what I heard from him I caught myself saying that I am no longer living in fear. I stopped. She stopped. You see, she was also my leader for the retreat two years ago and she knows what fear was doing in my life during that time and here I am, two years later saying out loud (and to her) that I am no longer living a life of fear. We caught each others eyes and smiled. It was such a huge moment for me. I hadn't really thought about it until I heard myself say it out loud. I am no longer living in fear. WOW! 

My lokai bracelet is a daily reminder of where I was and where I am going. I'm not at my highest but I am closer to that than my lowest. My left arm is becoming my reminder of God's truths for me daily. My newest addition is a bracelet that says "What Room Does Fear Have." Is there any room for fear if you have God's truths? He is with us. He is ALWAYS with us. He pursues us. He loves us. He strengthens us. Fear is a state of mind, not a way of life. Living in fear is not living. Living in God's truth is living.

Superhero In The House

Is your household going through a superhero phase or has it gone through one in the past? The past few months my son has been consumed with costumes and dressing up whenever he can. Super Why! has been a favorite superhero of his since he was just a year old. He had a Super Why! costume that I made for him for Halloween one year, but he grew out of it finally. For Christmas I decided to purchase a new one for him since he loved his old one so much. It's the beginning of April and already the seams are starting to unravel because of the use that it's getting and the mask.....well the mask doesn't really fit anymore since it's all stretched out.

I went shopping one evening at a local kids consignment shop and found a Spider-Man Venom costume. You would have thought I brought home gold to the kid! He has worn that thing so much so it to is starting to unravel at the seams a bit. Since getting the Venom costume, he's been asking for a red & blue Spider-Man costume. He's even been dreaming about it. Yes, that's right, he's been dreaming about getting a red & blue Spider-Man costume. So, I took it Facebook to post about this dream of his.

I couldn't help myself, I just had to share it. He's been so insistent on getting that red & blue Spider-Man costume that he's even went as far as to tell me to go to Walmart and get one for him a few times. We've discussed how much money it would cost for said costume and he's been counting the money every day in his bank to see if he has enough. See the proof?

He is one determined kid to get this costume. It doesn't matter that he already has a stash of costumes hanging on hooks in his room. He wants to be Spider-Man and he is determined to be the red & blue Spider-Man no matter what it takes, even if that means spending all of his money.

It is SO HARD teaching a young child patience. Hard work to earn money for that costume, not a problem. He has his jobs that he has to do that he gets money for. But patience until he has enough money saved up? That's hard. Hard on him AND hard on me. This is the first thing that he's ever been insistent on getting, over and over again. The only other thing he's ever asked for multiple times was a guitar but he specifically wanted Santa to bring that to him, which he did. But this, this red & blue Spider-Man costume was consuming his little mind. He wanted it and he wanted it as soon as he could get his hands on it. 

After posting the pictures of Ramsay's determination, a colleague brought in a Spider-Man mask and gloves that she still had that belonged to her son. He could no longer wear them so she brought them in for my boy to have. He was SO EXCITED when I showed them to him. Immediately I was ordered to wash his favorite Spider-Man pajamas so that he could wear the mask and gloves with them. I must say, he does make a pretty cute web slinger........minus the white feet poking out the bottom.

That picture was taken on Friday night. He wore the pajamas and gloves to bed that night. I wouldn't let him wear the mask. The next morning we went to breakfast with Granny and guess what? Yep, he wore his Spider-Man pajamas with the mask and gloves. He took the mask and gloves off long enough to eat and then put them right back on. Superheros don't have time to mess around. They have to be on their game all the time in case bad guys show up, so I've been told.

Oh, and that red & blue Spider-Man costume he has been counting his money for? A colleague of mine bought one for him. She said he needed it and she didn't want for him to wait until he had saved up enough money. He's a superhero and needs his uniform ASAP. He's one lucky little guy but I'm even luckier to work with some pretty amazing superheros of my own.

Are you amazed by God?

For the first time in six and a half years I finally have "free time".  No more evenings and weekends consisting of homework, papers, projects, or studying for tests.  Finally, I have time to rest................."But wait, there's work to be done" said God.  Wait, what?  Was He talking me to?  I'm not sure I heard that correctly.  "There's work to be done."  Shoot, He said it again.  I guess I better turn on my listening ears and listen to what He is telling me to do..........

A few years ago, ok - four years ago, a dear friend signed me up for a single mom event out of the blue.  She heard an advertisement for it on the radio and signed me up right away and told me afterwards.  The deal was I would go and she would babysit my son.  I hadn't heard of anything like it but thought hey, why not go and spend a few hours kid free with some other ladies walking the same walk.  So, I went.  The event was held at a church.  It was a morning of much needed relaxation!  From breakfast, to massages, hair cuts, pedicures, car wash and car care, and a free "garage sale" area.  To top it off we got to take box lunches home for ourselves AND our kids.  How amazing was that!  I left that day thinking how amazing it felt to be taken care of for a change and how doing something like this at my own church would be such a blessing to single moms in the community.  God started tugging at my heart then about this mission but my life was consumed already with a full time job, full time mommy, and part time school.  I didn't have room for a social life, let along planning an event!

Last spring I went to the same event again.  This time, I sought it out myself.  I remembered how great it was and thought I should do it again and this time, I even registered my son to go as they provided free childcare for the moms during the event.  I had a great morning of getting pampered and he had a great morning of fun.  He got to play, make crafts, play in bounce houses.  Needless to say, he didn't want to go home at the end as he was having way to much fun.  We picked up our box lunches as we were leaving and drove to a near by park and had a picnic lunch.  It was a perfect day.  We both were loved on individually, but we were both loved on together as well with our picnic lunch.  And once again after this event, God started tugging at my heart.  Maybe again isn't the right word because he had been tugging at my heart ever since that first time I went but now, since He knew I was going to be finishing up with school at the end of the year, the tugging got much stronger.  He was telling me it was time.

I began planning an event back in late summer/early fall last year.  Talking with various people, getting things into place, and spinning all kinds of ideas around in my head as to how I wanted my single mom event to go.  I am so excited that this event is on the calendar at church and the staff and Elders are very supportive of this vision and mission.  The concept is nearly the same as the one I attended: breakfast, massages, haircuts, facials and hand care, car wash, free "garage sale", free childcare, and lunch, but lunch is going to look a little different.  I'm really excited that we'll be offering a buffet style lunch to the moms, giving them a chance to eat a kid-free meal with other adults.........other single moms.  How cool is that?  They'll be able to make connections with other women who know what they are going through.  I'm excited to see God move in that particular area that day!

Are you ready for this?  God has blessed this event in so many ways already.  Writing about it now I'm getting teary eyed and I feel goosebumps on my arms thinking about what's happened and what I'm about to share.  In one day.............ok, not even a day.  In a 10-hour period God provided, and provided BIG!  In that 10-hour period I managed to secure all the massage therapists needed for the event, I managed to secure a Mary Kay director who was very enthusiastic about providing facials and hand care to the moms and who committed to bringing some other Mary Kay consultants with her to help bless the moms, and finally......the BIGGEST blessing of all........within that 10-hour period (it actually happened in 6.5 hours) God provided the finances needed for the event.  The entire amount I had asked for.  God made that happen, in 6.5 hours.  Are you amazed yet?  I know I am.

This particular picture showed up in my First 5 app (from Proverbs 31) the very next morning.  The devotional that day was exactly what I needed and exactly when I needed it.  God knew what he was doing long before I did!

2015 Was My Year!

I seem to recall stating at the beginning of 2015 that it was going to be my year.  There was an end in sight to a journey I had been on for quite some time and nothing was going to get in my way of completing that journey, and what a journey it was!

In November of 2008 I started a new job in an higher education administration office.  My new boss had been in her position for what seemed like an eternity.  She was well known, highly respected, and full of so much knowledge.  I felt so honored to be working for her, even if I was just a low man on the totem pole secretary.  Not long after working for her she brought up the subject of education.  I had went to a community college after high school but after a year I was burnt out and decided to take some time off and well, never went back.  When my boss discovered I had never completed my degree she encouraged me to look into going back to school.  I hadn't thought about education for a very long time and really had no idea what I even wanted to do with the rest of my life, but I figured if she thought enough about me to encourage me to do it then the least I could do was try.  And so, my college career began.

I started taking classes in the summer of 2009 at a local community college.  Boy was it hard adjusting to being a student again after 13 years of not being one.  I found this time around though I was more focused and taking school more seriously than I did before.  I think because I had already been living life and working full-time that I knew exactly what a college degree could do for me in the future.  One nice thing about going back to school when I did was the technology had come so far and I was able to take classes online without having to step foot on campus.  After working all day at a full time job, it sure was nice to go home and do school work instead of going and sitting in a classroom all evening.  Throughout my schooling there were a few classes I took on campus because it was required but the majority was taken online.  What a blessing that was!

During my third semester of school, which was the spring of 2010, I found out I was pregnant.  In fact, it was six years ago today that I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive.  Boy, was I scared!  Excited, but scared.  How was I going to do it?  How was I going to work full time, go to school part time, and raise a child?  I didn't have answers to any of those questions.  All I knew to do was to just keep at it, and so I did.  My son was born in October of 2010 and I remember talking to my professors ahead of time in order to get assignments completed ahead of time in preparation for his birth so I could take at last a few days off without having to worry about homework.  At the time I was taking an accounting class and it was an on campus class and I returned to class less than a week after giving birth and my professor was so surprised.  Heck, I didn't want to miss anything or fall behind!

God blessed me with an amazing kid, he really did.  He fit right into my crazy world with work and such and really, he made it easy to work and go to school.  Of course there were moments where I wasn't sure I'd make it, but those moments were few and far between.  But then it happened.  I became a single mom just before the fall 2011 semester.  For a few months leading up to the fall things were tense at home and I was trying to figure out a plan as to what I was going to do.  It was a stressful time and there was even a semester in there when I had to withdraw from classes.  I couldn't keep up with the homework and work full time and deal with everything at home.  That was a moment in my journey that I thought I would never make it to the end, I wouldn't see myself completing my degree.  But, I pressed on.

Fast forward to December 14, 2015.  I'll never forget that feeling and I may never forget my post on FB that night either.

I was BEYOND excited.  Did I cry?  You bet!  A journey that started six and a half years earlier had finally come to an end.  I FINALLY saw the light at the end of the tunnel that I never thought I would see.  From starting school, getting pregnant and having a baby, becoming a single mom, fighting my hardest to protect my son, dealing with court cases, health issues, and so many other things, all while working full time, I didn't think it would happen.  But it did.  It really did!  2015 WAS my year!  GOD IS GOOD!

P.S. - My diploma arrived in the mail on February 5.  I wasn't expecting it yet as we were told they wouldn't be sent until March.  Did I cry?  Nope.  But I sure as heck screamed with excitement when I open it up.  

Faith over fear................which do you choose?

A couple days ago I was looking through my memories on my Facebook page when one particular memory stopped me in my tracks.  It was a simple post with just a few words.  Seven words to be exact.  I posted that on a Wednesday night after bible study.  The date was February 6, 2013.  "Faith over fear.............which do you choose?"  I was living in fear.  I had been living in fear for a few years.  Here was part of my problem........okay, maybe a BIG part of my problem..........I was a people pleaser.  I wanted to make people happy.  I didn't like upsetting people or dealing with confrontation, so I did what was necessary to keep the peace.  What was happening when I was people pleasing?  I was pleasing everyone but myself.  I was miserable, stressed out, and sometimes just plain cranky from trying to do all this pleasing.  So, I asked God to help me.  I needed to make a change.  I needed to start pleasing Him which would ultimately please myself.   I started making changes with my pleasing ways and I slowly started to see things change.  What I didn't expect in all of this was to discover the root of my pleasing ways was fear.

Fear is a natural emotion.  Sometimes fear is there for a good reason but then there are times when fear is there for no logical reason other than a person fearing the unknown and the "what ifs" in life.  The fear I was experiencing was wrapped in the "what ifs" that could come my way as a result of me standing up for myself and my son.  My fear was wrapped up in people.  You see, I had these people in my life that I spent so much time trying to please and keep happy, that I was making myself miserable.  I feared that if I didn't keep them happy, they would make my life miserable. I had seen their wrath unfold with other people in their lives and I didn't want any part of that.  Looking back at it now, I was already miserable with trying to please them but I didn't realize it until I stepped out of the bubble I was living in and was finally looking inside the bubble from the outside.  Wow.  That was the game changer for me.  Once I finally stopped living in fear, and started living in God's love and truth, everything changed.  Yes, there were consequences to my choice to stop people pleasing these people.  Do I regret it?  No way.  My life is much fuller now and I'm able to be the person that God has intended me to be.  I'm not perfect, far from it actually, but I'm walking alongside Jesus on this journey and I can't imagine doing so any other way.

This past week in bible study we talked about fear and how you can turn fear into joy.  Yes, it's possible!  We got the privilege to hear one of the women in our women's bible study give an awesome testimony about the high school dance team that she coaches and their story of fear.  A group of determined young ladies and a coach that believed in them lead to the most amazing routine taking place.  So my question to you is this:  What room does fear have?

New Year's Resolution No More

I don't know about you, but I'm horrible at New Year's resolutions.  I have great intentions starting out the new year with new things but always end up failing.  I just do.  I started back to work that first full week of January and a colleague and I were discussing her vision board and what types of things she was challenging herself to do this year.  I mentioned that I am horrible at drinking water and that I really needed to work harder at getting more into my body.  She said she also needed to drink more water and so, our water challenge was born!  Together we decided that we would challenge ourselves, and encourage each other, to drink at least 60 ounces of water while we were at work every day with the hopes of also maintaining that on the weekends as well.  Sounds like a great plan, right?!  Drinking that much water at work seemed to go easier than I had thought, however the challenging part came when my bathroom breaks increased and well, there isn't a restroom on the floor where I work, it's either up a floor or down a floor.  But all in all the challenge went well, at least during the week, and at the end of January I was down 6.6 pounds.  That's right, 6.6 pounds just by adding water!  Of course, I got a little more exercise from going up and down the stairs to the restroom as well, but you get the idea.

February comes with a new challenge.  While I am maintaining the water intake challenge from January, I am challenging myself this month to walk more.  I used to walk to and from work every day when I lived close by and my son's daycare was in our neighborhood but can no longer do that and haven't been able to for quite some time now.  I miss it so much!  That was my quiet, thinking time that I had to myself every day and the good Lord knows I could use that again!  My challenge for myself this month is to walk a minimum of three times per week and the intention is to do it on my lunch hour.  I'm looking forward to it getting lighter and lighter out in the evenings so that once it is warmer out my son and I can take a walk together as well.  He loves to be outdoors and explore and fresh air does us both some good!

I've decided this year will be a year of changes, but those changes will come every month with a new challenge.  I figured this way, it will be easier for me to stick with it and embrace the change over a period of time instead of placing demands and expectations on myself to make all of these changes all at once and then ultimately failing.  2015 was a great year for me for personal goals and accomplishments (more on that later) but 2016 is going to be an even better year with healthy lifestyle changes.  I can't wait to see what's in store!