Solo and Single Parenting. Yes, There Is A Difference!

I've had this topic on my mind for quite some time and after having a conversation with a friend last week who "gets it", I finally felt God telling me it was times to put into words what I have observed over the past few years......

There isn't just one definition of a single parent, there are many definitions of being a single parent. A single parent can be divorced or they can be widowed. A single parent can be one where the father/mother was never present in the child's life to begin with or left at some point during the child's life. A single parent can even be someone who is married or unmarried but with a spouse, partner, or child's parent in prison. I'm sure there are others that I've not mentioned as well.

Over the years I have heard friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers say at times that they are doing the 'single parent' thing when their spouse or partner is working a lot of hours or traveling out of town. In their world at that moment they are living like a single parent. They are the sole person taking care of the child(ren), the one who has to change all the diapers, the one who has to get up in the middle of the night when someone wets the bed or gets sick, the one who has to be the taxi driver to doctor's appointments, practices, church events, and everything in between. They are doing it all. Those 'single parents' are not single parents though. Chances are they have never been a single parent and in reality, have no idea what it's really like to be a single parent.

Here's what I know about being a single parent and this is from my own experience. Being a single parent means keeping consistency and routine in your child's life all by yourself. Being a single parent means being the sole person in your child's life that they can count on, no matter what. Being a single parent means being the one that's awaken in the middle of the night when your child is vomiting and there's no one else there to help clean up the mess. Being a single parent means making to much money to get any assistance with childcare or food, yet not making enough to make ends meet. Being a single parent means going through endless court battles for child support and visitation. Being a single parent means at times getting little to no child support. Being a single parent can mean getting little to no help from the other parent with caring for the child. Being a single parent means getting no regular breaks if the other parent isn't involved in the child's life by choosing addictions over time with their child. Being a single parent means getting no regular breaks if the other parents choices landed them in a 'time out'. Being a single parent means having to tell your friends no, you can't go to dinner with them because you can't afford a babysitter and dinner. Being a single parent means no accumulation of sick days at work because when your child is sick, you're the one who has to take care of them. Being a single parent means you can't get sick - there's no time for it and no one to take care of your child if you do. Being a single parent means not having the support of a spouse or partner, whether they are home every night or not. 

You see, those 'single parents' I talked about at the beginning really aren't single parents, they are solo parents. Yes, they may live at times "like a single parent" but in reality they are just a solo parent because they are only alone for a period of time. Eventually their spouse/partner comes home. Eventually they get a break from being the only parent around. But no matter what, they always have another person to lean on for support. Someone they can call and talk to even if they are out of town. Someone they can bounce ideas or issues off of. Someone who provides financially, consistently. 

My conversation last week was with a friend who is a stay at home mom and her husband is the provider. He works a lot of hours to make sure his family is taken care of but she works a lot of hours as well as it takes a lot to run a household with 8 kids! It was our conversation where she said to me that yes, there are times that she can feel like a single parent BUT she has her husband, her partner, and she not going through every day by herself. I believe she's the first person that has ever said something like that to me and it just put a smile on my face. I may only have one child verses her eight, but she sees what challenges I have because I am a single parent and don't have a partner sharing in duties. She realizes how blessed she is to have her husband. I pray that one day I am blessed with a Godly husband as well. 

The next time you are inclined to think you are a single parent or say "I'm like a single parent", I hope you think twice about saying it. Be mindful of those parents out there that are truly all alone, raising their child(ren) without a partner or spouse. It's not as easy as some of them make it look and you might be surprised at how lonely a lot of them are behind closed doors. Be kind. Be gentle. Show love.