I Can't Predict The Future, But I Can Prepare For It

It was September 12, 2014, and I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. I was sitting at my desk at work and decided to take a quick look at my personal email account. I knew what was happening that morning and thought by chance I would have an email about the outcome. I also knew that our lives would be affected but I wasn't exactly sure how. I logged in and as the screen changed I saw it there in my inbox. There is was, in bold, a new email with the details I had been waiting for. 

I opened up the message and I read it carefully. That's when the tears started falling. My heart was broken. My heart wasn't broken for myself, it was broken for my son. So many emotions and feelings running through my head. My son had not seen or talk to his father since June 24 and now it was going to be a long time before he would see him again. What was I going to tell him? Do I tell him anything? What if he asks me questions? How would I respond to those questions? 

There wasn't a book out there to help me navigate through this journey. This was uncharted territory for me. All I could do was pray. Pray for God's protection throughout this journey we were on, pray for God to give me wisdom and guidance, but most of all pray for my sweet boy. Prayer is powerful and prayer warriors are important and I am lucky enough to have a group of people that have surrounded us during this time to do just that. They pray. They pray for me, they pray for my son, and I have no doubt that they've prayed for my son's father. That's all I knew to do was pray and ask for prayers.

When my son was 10 months old his father and I decided to no longer live together. Being a single mother never crossed my mind but the months leading up to that decision were full of stress, worry, and a lot of other emotions I never wanted to deal with. I needed something to change. I couldn't continue doing what we were doing and as time went on, being a single mom seemed to work for me. Yes, it was stressful (and still is) but I was dealing with a different kind of stress being a single mom verses living in a toxic household. As I would constantly tell my therapist (yep, I still see her) it's a good stress.

The three years we were apart leading up to that September day were filled with stress, worry, frustration, anger, and again lots of emotions but it all changed that day I got the email. The stress, worry, and all the other emotions went away. Yes, I was heartbroken for my son but for myself.......I was thanking God for peace. For the first time since my son was born I was finally feeling peace and a sense of complete safety for him. As a parent, it's hard to go through situations not feeling your child is completely safe, whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally, but I finally felt it. 

Yesterday we started on a new journey. My son talked to his father on the phone for the first time in two years. There was a lot of preparation that went into that first phone call. Preparation by myself and my son's therapist to make sure he would be safe, both mentally and emotionally. While he's not seen his father in two years or talked to him, he has talked about him. He receives drawings from his father every week and gets so excited when he opens up his Spider-Man drawing from daddy. He knows daddy loves him, but can't be with him right now.

My job as a mother is to love, provide, and protect my child. I've done this from day one. As we prepare for visits with my son's father in the next couple months, these are the things I have to continue to think about. I can't predict the future, but I can prepare for it and that's exactly what I'm trying my very best to do. It's not an easy or ideal journey, but it's our journey. One that my son and I are on together. All we can do is prepare and pray.