I Can't Predict The Future, But I Can Prepare For It

It was September 12, 2014, and I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. I was sitting at my desk at work and decided to take a quick look at my personal email account. I knew what was happening that morning and thought by chance I would have an email about the outcome. I also knew that our lives would be affected but I wasn't exactly sure how. I logged in and as the screen changed I saw it there in my inbox. There is was, in bold, a new email with the details I had been waiting for. 

I opened up the message and I read it carefully. That's when the tears started falling. My heart was broken. My heart wasn't broken for myself, it was broken for my son. So many emotions and feelings running through my head. My son had not seen or talk to his father since June 24 and now it was going to be a long time before he would see him again. What was I going to tell him? Do I tell him anything? What if he asks me questions? How would I respond to those questions? 

There wasn't a book out there to help me navigate through this journey. This was uncharted territory for me. All I could do was pray. Pray for God's protection throughout this journey we were on, pray for God to give me wisdom and guidance, but most of all pray for my sweet boy. Prayer is powerful and prayer warriors are important and I am lucky enough to have a group of people that have surrounded us during this time to do just that. They pray. They pray for me, they pray for my son, and I have no doubt that they've prayed for my son's father. That's all I knew to do was pray and ask for prayers.

When my son was 10 months old his father and I decided to no longer live together. Being a single mother never crossed my mind but the months leading up to that decision were full of stress, worry, and a lot of other emotions I never wanted to deal with. I needed something to change. I couldn't continue doing what we were doing and as time went on, being a single mom seemed to work for me. Yes, it was stressful (and still is) but I was dealing with a different kind of stress being a single mom verses living in a toxic household. As I would constantly tell my therapist (yep, I still see her) it's a good stress.

The three years we were apart leading up to that September day were filled with stress, worry, frustration, anger, and again lots of emotions but it all changed that day I got the email. The stress, worry, and all the other emotions went away. Yes, I was heartbroken for my son but for myself.......I was thanking God for peace. For the first time since my son was born I was finally feeling peace and a sense of complete safety for him. As a parent, it's hard to go through situations not feeling your child is completely safe, whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally, but I finally felt it. 

Yesterday we started on a new journey. My son talked to his father on the phone for the first time in two years. There was a lot of preparation that went into that first phone call. Preparation by myself and my son's therapist to make sure he would be safe, both mentally and emotionally. While he's not seen his father in two years or talked to him, he has talked about him. He receives drawings from his father every week and gets so excited when he opens up his Spider-Man drawing from daddy. He knows daddy loves him, but can't be with him right now.

My job as a mother is to love, provide, and protect my child. I've done this from day one. As we prepare for visits with my son's father in the next couple months, these are the things I have to continue to think about. I can't predict the future, but I can prepare for it and that's exactly what I'm trying my very best to do. It's not an easy or ideal journey, but it's our journey. One that my son and I are on together. All we can do is prepare and pray.

We Are Never Alone

I was sitting on my back patio one morning drinking my coffee, working on my bible study, and enjoying God's beauty when all of a sudden I was overcome with a sense of loneliness and I became sad. I was sad that there was no one there to sit and talk to or enjoy the beautiful view with me. I was sad that there wasn't someone inside cooking breakfast that would soon open the back door to give me a plate. I was sad that the little boy fast asleep inside had no idea what a household looks like with both a mommy and daddy inside of it and to be completely honest, I really had no idea what that looked like either since I grew up in a single parent house. That loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks and it took me a good chunk of that morning to stop feeling it.

Here's the truth: we are never alone. God is ALWAYS with us. But me, I have a tendency to forget that. I always think about the physical presence of someone, not the spiritual presence. But God, he is always with us no matter what. Through our highest of highs and our lowest of lows, God is there for us to guide us, protect us, and love us.

I love Lysa TerKeurst and it also seems that her postings are so fitting for whatever is going on in my heart and head at the time. I think sometimes she's literally in my head and posts things that are specifically directed towards me, I really do. I have met her in person before and maybe she planted a micro-chip or something in there to know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling and I didn't know it. 

Her words are never more true. God does want us to know that he is here. He's with you, he's with me, he's with my son, he's with all of us. We are never alone. We are always in God's presence but sometimes we may need those visual reminders to get us back in His presence.

God's Love Is REAL

This past week my son attended vacation bible school and each night when I picked him up he couldn't wait to tell me what he had learned. He would go through whatever hand and arm motions they used when talking about the lesson and it was cute to see him be so passionate about sharing what he learned about God. Before going to bed each night he would reassure me that God loves us no matter what. 

Here's where the story gets interesting........

Wednesday evening Granny picked Ramsay up from school , fed him dinner, and dropped him off at VBS. During a phone conversation with Granny after she dropped him off I learned that he had an issue at school that day. Let me back up a bit and just say that this kid LOVES to swing. He swings all the time when he's at school as they go to the park twice a day, weather permitting of course. He loves swinging so much that I made him a tree swing for our backyard so that he can swing anytime he wants to. He's obsessed with swinging and usually has baby with him as well which means baby gets to swing too. (Note the bungee cord wrapped around baby's neck in order to keep him on the swing.)

During their morning park time Ramsay of course wanted to swing, but there was a problem. There was a girl in the swing he wanted. Instead of being patient and waiting his turn he pushed her out of the swing. Like literally pushed her hard and she fell to the ground. He then hopped in the swing thinking he was just going to swing like nothing happened. Boy was he wrong! A teacher asked him to get off the swing because the girl had it first. When he didn't listen it then took two teachers to get him out of that swing as he gripped the chain hard and wasn't about to let go. They finally got him free, made him apologize to the little girl, put him in a time out, and banned him from swinging for the rest of the day. Now, I know my kid is not perfect by any means but behavior like this is really out of character for him. He was obviously frustrated but didn't chose a wise way to deal with it.

Later that night when he got home from VBS I asked him about his day, knowing what had happened at school (but he didn't know that I knew). He said he had a good day. I question him about that and he said he had a good day except for that 'one thing'. So, I asked him what that one thing was and he said that some girl was in HIS swing and he wanted to swing so he pushed her out. I asked him if that was a good choice and he said no, it wasn't, but he wanted to swing. I'm trying my best to raise a man in my house the best way I know how and I always tell him ladies first........that means opening doors for them, letting the girls go down the slide before him and yes, that also means letting girls swing on a swing before him. Patience my child, patience! We continued on with our conversation about good choices and bad choices and I told him that he needed to apologize to his teachers for his behavior first thing the next morning and he agreed that he would do so (and he did). 

Just when I thought we had talked about the situation and got it taken care of, Ramsay then says "But mommy, God loves me anyways even with that bad choice." Oh boy.........it was as if he was justifying (in his sweet little head) that what he did was bad but God still loved him so it was okay. Well sweet child, you are correct in that God still loves you BUT God wants us all to make good choices.

Every day I continue to learn and grow in my relationship with God and some of the best lessons I have learned have come from that 5 year old of mine. He takes everything so literal and sometimes just doesn't understand that there's a deeper meaning. He teaches me new things every day just like I teach him new things every day. Together we are learning and living a life that focuses on God and his unconditional love for us. God's love IS incredible. God's love IS faithful. God's love IS invincible. God's love IS unconditional. God's love IS REAL!